Consider this 600 year old story from Europe: "A lonely widower struck a bargain with his son that he would be taken care of in his old age in return for turning over his property to the son while he yet lived.

Later on, when the father became quite invalid, the daughter-in-law nagged her husband to move the old man to the barn. The son, ashamed to do it himself, required the grandson to take the old man to the barn and wrap him with a horse blanket.

The grandson tearfully obeyed his father, but tore the horse blanket and wrapped the old man in only half of it. When the boy'sfather discovered this, he was angry and demanded, "How could you be so cruel as to leave your grandfather in the barn to freeze with only half a blanket?" The son replied, "Father, I feel obligated to save the other half for you."

There are no clearly defined rules in our society for the inter-relationship between generations. In some societies, such as Japan, the "older folk" are not only honored, but the son takes great pride in how well he is able to care for his parent's needs.

For our society, independence appears to be very important for all generations. Yet, as our society ages, more and more frequently, a woman may find herself as the care-giver to both her own parents and her husband's parents as well. This often occurs while she is still concerned about her own adult children.

"Throughout history, the idea that it is appropriate for one generation to make sacrifices for welfare of the next has been taken for granted. That is, until the rapid and sustained growth of the 1946-66 period." Schor

Family and Children Under Attack? Experts agree that "hundreds of thousands of pre-school children spend the working day in poor quality, even dangerous care." The book "When the Bough Bereaks" suggests that there are about 10 million latch-key children in America.

 

"Approximately 25% of latch-key children experience serious problems coping with self�care." "Fear levels were high enough to cause hiding, sleeplessness and nightmares. Isolation was intense enough to cause depression or strong feelings of rejection. The responsibility placed on them was overwhelming enough to cause bitterness, resentment, and anger."

 

The text states that over the last decade the length of the average family vacation has declined by 14% and the number of families eating their evening meal together has dropped 10%. Parents simply have less time to devote to their families than they once did.

 

Stress caused by working outside of the home on the part of both parents contibutes to less efficiency in dealing with the children. This is especially true for mothers, who work at a job all day, then come home and have the work at home to do as well.

 

The text is suggesting that it is within our reach to break the cycle of disadvantage, and that we can turn things around. "The search for better solutions is gaining momentum. All Americans will benefit from the provision of first class services to children and their families living in adversity. All Americans are burdened by the high cost of not making the required investment."

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Watch out for the "Marriage Killers" (by James Dobson)

1. Overcommitment and physical exhaustion

2. Excessive credit and conflict over how money will be spent

3. Selfishness

4. Interference from in-laws

5. Unrealistic expectations

6. Lack of autonomy or personal space

7. Alcohol or substance abuse

8. Pornography, gambling and other addictions

9. Sexual frustrations, lonelinesws, low self-esteem and the greener pastures of infidelity

10. Business failure

11. Business success

12. Getting married too young

How to Stop Fighting About Money:

In a survey of 86,000 people, 37% of the respondents said that money was the #1 problem in their marriage. Another study of 131 couples by Howard J. Markman at the University of Denver Center for Marital and Family Studies found that money caused the most fights. Financially well-off spouses were just as likely to quarrel over money as were couples of modest means.

To deal successfully with money problems, couples need to know how to avoid the hidden traps that draw them into destructive battles:

1. Schedule time to talk. According to Walter O'Connell, a psychologist who practices near Austin, Texas, the most volatile time for arguments if from 5 pm to 7 pm. "Everyone is tired, hungry, and perhaps frustrated from work and commuting," explains O'Connell. "If you're going to discuss an important matter, do it later after you've had a chance to unwind."

2. Pull together. "Marriage is like a canoe trip," says Chicago psychologist Daniel Kegan. "If couples don't coordinate their efforts, they may go in circles, they may tip over, and they're definitely less likely to get where they're going as fast as they want. But if you work on your financial goals with your spouse, you'll not only enjoy your destination, you'll enjoy the trip."

3. Get the facts. Unfortunately, in most households one spouse runs the checkbook and the other is left in the dark. "Lack of knowledge about the bills and what things cost creates unrealistic expectations and hostility," says Michael Leonetti, a Chicago-area financial planner. To defuse this powder keg, go over the bills together every month -- and get out to the stores for a cost-of-living lesson.

4. Make allowances. "Everyone should have a certain amount of money that doesn't have to be accounted for with his or her partner," says psychologist Matti Gershenfeld. There should be one household account for bills, one for savings, and one for each spouse to have discretionary money.

5 Prepare a budget. By working together, gathering information, understanding underlying needs and fears, and remaining flexible, couples can become masters of their money. In the process, they are strengthening their marriage. A budget is the hard part. To make it easier, understand that a budget is a tool to help you achieve your goals, rather than a device to limit your fun. Jean Lown, associate professor of consumer education says, "No spending plan is set in concrete. You'll make mistakes and forget some expenses, so expect to make corrections and adjustments over several months before the final spending plan is functioning efficiently."

Tough as it may seem, though, a written budget is key. It's a road map to every couple's hopes and dreams. And more than anything else, it can stop those money fights, once and for all.

--Condensed from an article by Marie Hodge and Jeff Blyskal

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For individuals of any age, Rubin, states that "individuals are their own best friends and their own worst enemies." He argues for a "psycho-philosophy of life" that should help individuals enjoy living in the here and now and face adversity with self assurance. Some of his  components of psychophilosophy are summarized as follows:

- The first is to believe that 'I am because I am'. Individuals do not need to justify their existence, based upon what they possess or what they achieve. Such individuals believe that they are worthy, so they look at themselves with dignity and loyalty. They do not need to conform to overpower or to over-power others.

 

-The Second component is acceptance of oneself, expressed by the words, 'I am I'. Key ideas here are responsibility for oneself, care for oneself, and a healthy appreciation of oneself.

 

-The Third component is self-care, and taking ones needs seriously. This component represents the ideas, 'I need, I want, I choose'. It involves the necessity of differentiating between needs and desires. Choosing in ways that contribute to ones well-being and to the process of self assertion.

 

-The Fourth is the assertion, 'I am where I am', which establishes an individual as the center of his or her life, and a particular territory as his or her own. One result is a greater sense of security.

 

-The Fifth is the directive, 'be here now', which stresses the point that the past and future do not exist, only the present. For this reason, individuals should enjoy themselves as they are and where they are. They should live each day as if it were always the first day of their lives, with a sense of newness, mystery and challenge.

 

-The Sixth of Rubin's psychophilosophy point out that life is a process, and that the emphasis is on the process, not the product. This component is called, 'the process and the product'. It is intended to help individuals avoid striving for something that they will never achieve.

 

-The Seventh component, called, 'I always do my best', stresses self-acceptance. That is, what individuals accomplish at any given time may not be their best effort, but it was the best they were capable of at the time.

 

-The Eighth component conveys the idea that human beings are complex and, at time, inconsistent. This means that individuals do not always operate in rational ways or make reasonable decisions.

 

- The ninth component is "the right to say NO." This is self-preservation mechanism that emphasizes value systems, and avoids feelings of self-hate.

- The tenth component calls attention to the difference between participation and performance. The former refers to complete involvement in, and full contribution to, physical, intellectual and emotional activities. The later produces self-consciousness, self-judgement and fear of criticism from other people. The former is self�enhancing and rewarding, the later is self-defeating.

- The eleventh component involves individuals feelings about death. It is called, 'the right to die and the right to live'. The attitude expressed by the right to die can free individuals from the fear of death and strengthen their ability to live. On the other hand, the assertion of the right to live conveys to individuals the belief that as long as they are alive they will make the most of living. The right to die helps to reduce the guilt associated with dying and the sense of failing to discharge one's responsibilities.

- The twelfth, and last component is acceptance of the saying, 'life is tough'. Individuals have great assets to use in meeting the challenges of living.

 

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Review of an article by: Huston, T. L. & Rempel, J. K. (1989) Interpersonal Attitudes, Dispositions, and Behavior in Family and Other Close Relationships, Journal of Family Psychology, 3(2), 177-198.

This article deals with research concepts in evaluation of 1) how interpersonal attitudes and dispositions develop and 2) how these developed dispositions can influence the participant's behavior towards others deemed close (in family as well as in other close bonds).

The article covers many theoretical viewpoints and methodological pitfalls in doing research. For the purposes of this class, however, I am limiting this paper to the various concepts of building trust and love rather than do battle with the methodological problems of past research (the article gives very valid ideas concerning the past research).

Individuals in a group influence each other; in close relationships "...each person's overt behavior affects other members thoughts, feelings and behaviors...[this] extends over a considerable period of time." The agreement over time between parties provides social support which produces shared perceptions and positive affect. This leads to the desire of the participants to share more time and more experiences together. The context of the happenings may be conducive or destructive to this growth of the relationship.

"Relationships simultaneously change at two levels. At the behavioral level, changes in interdependence are defined in terms of changes in the extent of mutual influence...Interpersonal dispositions, once in place, also help create and maintain particular patterns of action and interaction." Symbolize these ideas as "streams" of behavior: the streams of two people flow independent at times and together at times, influencing each other. Even when apart, this influence over individual activities may exist.

People tend to view events in their relationships in clusters of patterns of behaviors set in time (Ex: She laughed at my jokes during lunch -short time- or "He hasn't helped with the dishes since we've been married" -long time span view)."Behaviors may be general because the stream of behavior has been partitioned into large, temporally extended units or because they encompass multiple actions at different points in time."

To make matters more complex, thoughts and emotions are part of the flow of behavior (can be considered two other stream flows that also act with the behavior streams). Cognition and emotions can range over many behaviors (ex: anger can "spill over" into other phases of life than the original irritant) and impact behavior streams and influence the viewpoints of loved ones. The attributions, therefore, that one may give to a significant other are made up of the viewer's own emotions and cognition as well as the evaluated history of the others behaviors, as set in the viewers time relation. These developed attributions concern stability (how likely the attributed cause will continue to operate in similar circumstances) and globality (whether the cause will produce similar effects in other situations).

As a result of numerous experiences in context, interpersonal attitudes are developed. People development trust or love through a series of experiences that have a cumulative effect. Trust can build via belief that the other is sincere and benevolent and will continue to be so in the future. In explaining divorce, as an example, the decision to break up may be based upon these patterns of thoughts and feelings based over time, long after the specific details of the upsets are forgotten.

These dispositional characteristics mentioned so far, however, must now be ecologically placed into a framework which recognizes that the dispositions MAY NOT be completely translated to behaviors for several possible reasons:

1-There may be competing dispositions in any one situation (ex: a desire to avoid conflict may mellow a response)

2-Conditions may alter the disposition, if only temporarily (ex: love may exist, but not be expressed due to fatigue)

3-Contextual situations may alter dispositions (ex: if in the public, dispositions of affection are altered)

4-Actions may be altered by public expectations (ex: pressure to conform to public's eye alters behavior)

5-Dispositions may not be able to be performed (ex: the resources may be lacking to please or cajole the other)

"The ways in which, and conditions under which, interpersonal attitudes and dispositions come to be manifest in relationships, though complex, is critical to understanding the form relationships take and how they evolve over time."